No Edits. Just Nonsense.

I’m not going to edit this. I’m not going to read it over until the morning when my mind is fresh and ready to criticize. (But really, what’s with all the criticism, have you seen it lately…have you DONE it lately?)

I think what I really need to say is that I’m sad. Always.

I’m happy. Always.

I am feeling some emotion. Always.

I’m identifying with words and emotions…as long as my mind keeps turning.

And so are you.

As long as you are alive, you are identifying with ideas and feelings…with your mind or your heart.

There is nothing wrong with that.

But take it all with a grain of salt.

(What else should I say…what am I trying to say?)

i listen to a lot of rap and hip hop. When I’m listening I take the beat and start my own little rhyme. But I think it’s pretty lame. Today I did that. And then I thought. Well, what do you expect out of these rhymes? You have no focus. What do you want to SAY to everyone? Until you can answer that your words will be hollow.

And, to be honest, I haven’t thought too much recently about what I want to say to the world. I haven’t contemplated how my voice is going to be different from everyone else’s. How MY voice is going to make the whole WORLD a better place.

I’ve got practical shit to deal with. We all do. 

And yeah…this post is aimless. But whatever…sometimes Life is kind of aimless. It’s in those random wanderings that we find a spark. Something to ignite our movements. Our motivations.

I bet we all feel so aimless.

I bet it isn’t just me.

And I bet you can find your spark…just by wandering…

And I bet I can find it too…just from posting dumb ramblings like this.

I ramble like this all the time. In my head. I never had the courage to say something like this out loud.

Never had the courage to post without editing. Without caring what the READER would think.

Well, here it is.

I hope you start thinking about your voice. What you want to SAY to the world. 

And to start seeing the potential in your silly ramblings. To stop criticizing your silly ramblings…

Pass the Nyquil this way.

Dear readers,

I am sick. Physically and mentally. My nose and throat are clogged up from a nasty cold and my brain is clogged up from some terrible revelations that I have yet to release.

When I have come to terms with these things and when my health is back in order I will write.

I just wanted to post and say that I haven’t forgotten about the blog. I just have a major lesson to learn before I can write again. 

The Good, The Bad, and The Vatican

*Note before you begin reading: I want to convince you to start looking within and cultivating your spirituality. But there’s a huge likelihood that I can’t. I can share my story with you all day long, but ultimately, until you’re ready, you won’t be convinced. Hell, no one could convince me until I was ready. If I did manage to read a whole article about this mumbo jumbo, I’d have to shake my head to stop my eyes from rolling around so much. That’s fine though. Do what you need to do. Read this with a whole lot of skepticism. I don’t mind.

I was raised Catholic. I loved the churches, the stained glass windows, the gardens and willow trees, the ornate golden crosses, the milky statues, the smell of incense, the organ. It was all very grand. Very Vatican.

But I never could see the beauty beyond the aesthetic. The scripture, the old man droning at the alter about sin and repentance, the prayers didn’t reach me. I would repeat the Our Father, I would sing along with the others, becoming one voice raised towards the heavens. But I felt uncomfortable, could God hear my hesitance? Could he hear how bored we all sounded? Was there even a Big Man in the Sky?

For awhile I said no. I pushed my spiritual side to a dark and dusty corner until it became skeletal and ravenous. And the other aspects of myself suffered. It ate my creativity. It feasted off my relationships. It drank in my passions. Nothing was replenished and I found my whole soul eventually starving.

“You cannot ignore me forever,” My spirituality would say, while all the happiness and meaning in my life, slipped away, yet again. “If you refuse to acknowledge me, we’re all goin’ down.”

It was in college, when my Loneliness and Lack of Direction reached their peak, that I found God. I was a skinny and scared girl before that experience. And I’ll tell you, it magnified when I came face to face with my spirituality. Literally. I was looking in the mirror when it happened. My empty eyes mourned back at me and suddenly I was filled with something unspeakable. A power that filled my whole body. Filled the whole room. Filled my next couple of weeks with an uncomfortable sensation that I was never alone. It was terrifying, actually. I thought I was going crazy. When you grow up not believing, and building your world view around the absence of a God…and then bam! Hello! Here’s that thing you didn’t believe in.

I was shook up…but still not entirely convinced. I wasn’t willing to see how important my spirituality was. I have always wanted Truth. I am a seeker of Reality. Big questions are my bread and butter. But I had no direction, no inner voice to keep me from getting lost in the questioning.I got lost, I got frustrated, and I tried again. But everything is so much harder when we’re alone. The more I tried to find my way, the more lost I got. I needed to look up and see the sun to orient myself. We can’t find Meaning if we’re ignoring our internal compass.

It wasn’t until I accepted the importance of spirituality as a guide that things started coming together for me.

I have been meditating every night. I have been praying twice a day, at least. I have started seeing auras. I’ve talked to a few spirit guides. I have been overcome, a few times, with a red energy that comes from the bottom of my spine and explodes throughout my entire being. I have sat quietly among the cosmos and questioned the surrounding stillness. (And this might sound crazy to you, but just go with it…)

I feel calm and wise. I feel clear and quiet. I feel love and compassion to the point that I want to cry. And (here’s the kicker) I feel all those other aspects of my life growing too. My intellect is advancing, my creativity blooming. I’m no longer floating through life apathetic and lost. I am connected to the Earth. I’m connected to others. And I’m exactly where I need to be. I’m not lost anymore. I wake up each day and don’t even have to ask the question, “What am I going to do today?”

So I have finally begun my spiritual journey. And the beautiful thing about it is I don’t actually have to go anywhere. I simply sit, ground myself in the present and let the world move through me.

I find this concept important. In our modern world we have this idea that sitting still is being idle. That to get what we want we have to be busy busy, making plans, schedules, meetings. Running from one place to another. (The faster you walk the more important your business is).

I encourage you, no matter what you believe, to try and sit quietly from time to time. To stop the incessant chatter. To fill your body with stillness. That’s a very good starting point for anybody. And if you don’t find that BOOM spiritual experience, you’ll still find a little peace of heaven, peace of mind, to help you get through the day.

Are you on a journey yourself? (Well of course you are, you’re human) What religion speaks to you? (Hey, if you’re still unsure or don’t know where to begin, try this quiz.)

Share in the comments.

Learning: College Dropout Style

I don’t even have to ask you if you’ve felt misery.

The world has, no doubt, shown you some not-so-magical life moments:

105 degree weather

A terrible garbage ass smell with no apparent source

A rough break up

All of the above plus one too many alcoholic beverages?

The natural response to situations such as these is to get the fuck out. NOW.

High school felt like that. A stifling hometown, packed hallways, dull classrooms. But obligation kept me there (most of the time.) I graduated with a 3.4 GPA without really caring or trying or having learned much of anything.

I thought my salvation was college. “Oh!” I thought, as I sent in my applications, “College is going to be so much better. The people will be enlightened. Everyone probably drinks coffee and talks about things that really matter!” (My idea of a stellar education at the time involved a Starbucks)

Freshmen Orientation at USC arrived, the (relatively) big city spoke to me! College won’t feel like the waste of time high school did. You’ll actually learn something! You’ll find out who you really are! You’ll be surrounded by intellects and philosophers!

It was my dream. A grand illusion that came true about two years ago.

And I was fucking miserable.

The whole time.

College did not live up to my expectations. The people weren’t different, now they just lacked a curfew along with common sense. The education wasn’t any different, the books were just more expensive. I’d venture to say it was worse than high school; I was spending thousands of dollars for an experience that left me feeling more stagnant than ever. I wasn’t going places. I wasn’t learning anything new.

I changed my major time and time again. Hoping things would change. Each time dismayed by the lack of substance in the curriculum, the lack of passion in the students and educators.

It was in my bull shit film class — a required elective. A grueling hour and a half long class that played old videos I could have rented from Block Buster for MUCH less than the university was charging–when I decided I was going to drop out.

The idea scared the hell out of me. My parents, my grandparents. They were “educated.” They went to college. They expected me to do the same. All my friends were in college (and enjoying themselves no less.) Growing up I learned, this was what you did if you wanted to be successful. It was the natural way for a middle class, semi-intelligent, white chick.

I struggled with the idea, afraid dropping out would make me look like a failure. But the fear of disappointing my friends and family could not match the constant, gut-wrenching feeling that I was not where I should be. So I did it. I made a few blunders after that (I might share those later). But all in all I made the right decision to remove myself from the college lifestyle.

The purpose of this blog is to share with you my journey in independent learning. I’m here to inspire you (whether you’re in college, already graduated, or on a similar path as me) to ask unique questions and seek your own individual answers.

I’m here to remind everyone to learn for the right reasons: to gain wisdom, compassion, and happiness.

I find those three things much more beneficial than a diploma.

If you’re new to my blog and like what you see, introduce yourself. Leave a comment by clicking the “Comment” button to the left of this post. I’d love to get to know my fellow seekers!